Finding a lost voice

Heya guys,

Before you start reading the post I just wanted to explain why I didn’t post on Friday. Firstly I will probably only be posting once a week and that will probably be Friday or Monday but since I had already posted that week I didn’t post on Friday. Hope you don’t mind. Now this topic is kinda dark I guess but we need to embrace the light and the dark because are in us whether we admit it or not. It’s like those little cartoons where the person would have an angel on one shoulder telling it to do good and then the devil on the other shoulder telling us that we can be naughty and bad. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I am tempted or convinced by my own demon or devil I guess and I believe the lies he feeds me through my ear but then later I regret it or feel even more horrible. So this is kinda one of these things I guess.


Image result for finding my own voiceBelieve it or not, I am an extremely loud, extroverted person on the outside but inside I am an insecure mess at times and maybe even a bit anxious around people. Oh and let’s not forget totally self-conscious. Now some of you who have read my other posts might know I have struggled in the past with completely opening myself up and not hiding behind a facade for fear of being judged for being weak or a downer. But I am working on breaking down my mask/facade and every day I am a little closer but I think I will always have my down days at times and I think it’s normal and human and people need to accept that and stop judging people for it. But one of the things that I kept up as a facade was generally going along with everything someone else would say. For example, if my friend likes a certain movie and I didn’t I would sometimes pretend I did because I wanted to fit in I didn’t want to have a disagreement or even disagree with her because she might like me a little less for it or maybe judge me for it. So many little things like that added up to make the facade and mask I, kind of, live with now. I always agreed with everyone and never voiced my own opinion even if it differed. I was the girl who could fit in and blend anywhere but not because of who I am but because of who I became. The anxiety of being judged or deserted for being different consumed it and made me a different person to the point where I almost didn’t recognise me. I know it may seem a bit melodramatic to you but it’s the truth and reality for me. I hid my feelings and emotions and opinions just everything really.

And I knew I was living with a mask. I knew subconsciously that this wasn’t me but I guess I didn’t want to admit it because once I do I will have to change. And I don’t know how I didn’t realise this earlier but only a few days ago I realised I didn’t even have a voice, an opinion of my own, not really anyway. The way I realised it was that in my friendship situation which you might know f you read a group but not really, one of my older posts, has caused me to feel quite left out and lonely. Basically to summarise the situation: I am in a trio of friends and it kinda went all great until a few months ago when suddenly the two other friends in my trio started to hang out a lot more and without me. I am not just saying outside of school but even in school. Like even if we had to work as partners we would convince the teachers to let us work as a three. And previously we would save seats for each other in class and talk about everything. But now the other two always work in a pair and not save seats for each other but not me and I kind of feel excluded and the thing is I didn’t do anything to upset them because when I ask them about this they claim nothing has changed and we are all just as close and at first I believed it because we that’s what I always did right agree with others. But then it started to grow and I felt more and more alone and left out so I knew that it wasn’t just me being paranoid of losing a friendship so valuable to me I knew that even if they weren’t doing it on purpose it was definitely there. And this feeling just grew and grew and I kind of snapped out of it in a way a few days ago when it just became so much for me and I admitted to myself that, you know what, despite what they say it’s there and what I am feeling is not just my imagination. I have been caused to feel it even if they disagree with it. Because I do have a voice after all. I feel differently and you know what? It’s okay. I don’t have to agree with everything they say because otherwise I am not myself and they aren’t friends with the real me. They like the mask I put on. I don’t mean just the two others in my trio because I have opened up to them about how I wear a mask figuratively and they know the real me or so I think but my others friends might be friends with the masked girl, not the real me. So I decided that I had to change. I had to own and respect my own voice. If I have a different opinion to someone else then so what? Was this change going to be scary? Heck YES. Even today I started my other friends were saying how they don’t like a certain subject and previously I had always been silent and had no opinion sometimes even agreed with them but this time I stood up for myself because if I don’t look out for myself who will? I disagreed with them and they were shocked. They looked perplexed that I dare have a different opinion. Haha. I just explained that the same way they had their opinion I do too and if mine was different so what? We should all be allowed to have our own view on things and it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends it just means that we disagree on one tiny thing out of many many other things we agree on. It may seem insignificant to you guys but for me it was a huge step towards finding my own voice again and being confident. A step towards breaking down my mask and showing the world the real me. Yeah, it was scary but hey I think it will be worth it! So I have decided to not be silent anymore. I will stand by my voice and won’t let anyone take it away from me ever again. It’s the essence of my personality. It’s my voice and I want it back!


So I get that this is a dark and controversial issue but this is my take on it. I won’t listen to the little devil on my shoulder telling me to compromise and fit in. I will listen to the angel telling me to not hide but voice my opinions. What about you guys? What do you think of this? Love you all and hope you guys had a good start to the week!

 

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

19 comments

  1. happysky7311 · March 6, 2018

    I can completely relate with this! I really support the fact that you’ve decided to step out of your comfort zone and own your voice- if there’s one thing that I’ve learnt over my years of dealing with insecurities, it’s speaking up for yourself and expressing yourself before it’s too late. I’m sure that as we’re both in school, friendship issues are sure to arise, and I remember one time where I had a misunderstanding with a close friend of mine. We started avoiding each other (and in turn talking to others about the issue but not each other) and everything went a little pear-shaped. Then one day, I took up the courage to approach her and we instantly solved everything in a matter of 15mins of discussion!

    I feel as though the real issue I have (and probably you), is finding the strength to stand up for yourself. But once you do, I’m sure that things will change for the better; if not now, in the long run.

    Best wishes ❤

    Like

    • girlalert · March 6, 2018

      Thanks it was hard and I know I will have my moments of weaknesses but it’s not about those is it? It’s about how you pick yourself up after that and dust yourself off before giving it another go and not giving up. Yeah I feel like I have been silenced for so long due to societal structures and pressures but I just snapped and didn’t want to take it anymore I realised I didn’t have to take it anymore. I am sorry to hear you had a misunderstanding it’s good that you sorted it out even if it took a while. And I mean it’s normal right? Everyone goes through these phases with friends and like I described because I finally stood up for myself my friends were shocked and got in a bit of a tangle with me but I just explained that everyone has the right to have their own opinion. It’t goos that your friend acknowledged that you had a small disagreement because lots of my friends pretend like nothing happened even though they are hurt and they are in denial that anything has changed and that makes it ever more difficult to work through things with them. Any advice for me for that? 😉

      Thanks for sharing your views and taking the time to read my post. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • happysky7311 · March 6, 2018

        The only thing I can think of is to sit down and really have a serious conversation. Maybe say things like “I know that you might be hurt because of what I did, and I want you to tell me the truth about how you feel.” If you present yourself as empathetic to both sides most of the time this gets a person out of their shell. If it doesn’t work out and your friend still is refusing to speak up, unfortunately I think there’s nothing you can do, and trying to bug them may cause future trouble

        Liked by 1 person

      • girlalert · March 7, 2018

        Yeah I guess. Thx I will give it a try xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. graciechick · March 6, 2018

    Well done for being so honest! I know how hard it is, but it’s the only way to move forward – be open with yourself and with others. And we’re all here to support you. I struggle with similar things too – friendships, anxiety, etc, and I know that all these things make you feel really negative, but I always look to the future, focus on the positive and make an effort to rise above all the negativity in my life. You can do the same and we’re all here for you, remember that.

    All the best! Stay strong. Xxx

    Like

    • girlalert · March 6, 2018

      Haha yeah it’s frightening putting myself out there when for so long I had forgotten how to do that but afterwards, it will definitely be rewarding and way better. I just decided enough was enough I want my voice back. I want my freedom back. I want my choice and opinion back so I just changed. I am still not perfect but I am working on it and better than before. I still have my anxieties about my friends but that’s just part of the package I guess. Thx for supporting me through this. This is why I love my little blogging family and community because you guys won’t judge me and I know that. xxx

      Like

  3. FairyLightsAndPolaroids · March 6, 2018

    I’m proud you are speaking out, you deserve the right to have your own opinion! As graciechick we are all here to support you and it may be scary at the time but its the best thing to do ! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • girlalert · March 7, 2018

      Thanks so much. I feel like you have been there from the beginning and it’s so nice to hear you are still willing to support me and help me. I don’t know how to express my gratitude honestly xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • FairyLightsAndPolaroids · March 7, 2018

        It’s fine don’t worry all your followers are here for you! I was going to mention that you have so many followers now! You have at least thirty more than me!! Well done I’m proud of you xxxx

        Like

      • girlalert · March 7, 2018

        Oh haha thx so much!! I am just happy that people can relate and that you guys are always so supportive of me xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. lifestyle2404blogs · March 7, 2018

    Hey, I loved this post! I feel we may have a lot in common so emailed you! Hope you don’t mind xxx

    Like

    • girlalert · March 7, 2018

      No problem of course that’s why I created my e-mail. Thanks I am happy you liked it. It takes a lot out of me to pour all my emotions into it and leaves me feeling vulenrable but that’s why I created this blog so I could be myself and not be judged. Plus if I can;t do that when I am anonymous then like I will enver be able to do it right? 🙂 So yeah but again I am glad you liked it because it’s always nice to know that someone is feeling the same so even though I am sad if someone else had to go through it we can help each other if you know what I mean. Better together than alone. Thx for the follow by the way xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. kiraase · March 20, 2018

    Love love love this!! All I have to say is that you just voiced for many many other girls out there, including me. That in itself shows how far you have come and how much potential you have. I can relate so badly to this and Im glad we’re overcoming this facade. ❤️❤️

    Like

    • girlalert · March 20, 2018

      Oh wow I am glad that i was able to address the issue if it’s on such a large scale I think it mainly developed because I was scared I was going to be udged if I didn;t have the same opinion as everyone but now I am like if I don’t do it then am I even true to myself? I needed to change I needed to be myself and I needed to become confident. I am not fully confident but I am on the road trying to beat my anxiety and if you want to join feel free 😉 I love that you can relate because that’s why I put myself out there because I know it might just help someone feel less alone or inspire someone to overcome their anxiety. I know it’s a long shot but it’s worth it right? xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • kiraase · March 21, 2018

        It is worth it! It is so worth it if it gets to mean that people like you come along with me on my path to Independence. I too was the same. In middle school…in high school..I always wanted to fit in. And because I was already different culturally, I was scared of being different personality wise. So I lost myself. For a long long time. Until I realized, that it’s not necessary for me to fit in. In fact no one does. Which is exactly why I started my blog, and exactly why I loved yours ❤️ xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      • girlalert · March 24, 2018

        Thanks so much that means a lot and thank you for sharing your wonderful story!! xx

        Liked by 1 person

  6. khadijahbegum · April 5, 2018

    “It’s a rare person to face who they truly are and not run from it – not be broken by it”.

    I don’t know about you, but after writing out all your thoughts you get the chance to objectively look at the way you are as a person. To then go on from that and put yourself out there and more significantly, deciding to make a change for yourself is a manifestation of a true strength of character. ❤

    I understand the place you're coming from – I struggled a lot with this too, almost like I was too afraid to be myself or exposing any sort of vulnerability (even if it be ever-so-slight amounts). I wish you a happy journey in finding your feet and growing comfortable in your own skin – I know for sure that you are an incredible soul. Shine like the star you are xx 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • girlalert · January 21

      That’s a wonderful quote where is it from? Yes, I couldn’t agree more. It feels like when I am writing I am building my character, my personality and turning myself into the person I want to be. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement xxxx

      Like

  7. girlalert · April 12, 2018

    That’s a wonderful quote where is it from? Yes, I couldn’t agree more. It feels like when I am writing I am building my character, my personality and turning myself into the person I want to be. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement xxxx

    Like

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