Before you start reading the post I just wanted to explain why I didn’t post on Friday. Firstly I will probably only be posting once a week and that will probably be Friday or Monday but since I had already posted that week I didn’t post on Friday. Hope you don’t mind. Now this topic is kinda dark I guess but we need to embrace the light and the dark because are in us whether we admit it or not. It’s like those little cartoons where the person would have an angel on one shoulder telling it to do good and then the devil on the other shoulder telling us that we can be naughty and bad. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I am tempted or convinced by my own demon or devil I guess and I believe the lies he feeds me through my ear but then later I regret it or feel even more horrible. So this is kinda one of these things I guess.
Believe it or not, I am an extremely loud, extroverted person on the outside but inside I am an insecure mess at times and maybe even a bit anxious around people. Oh and let’s not forget totally self-conscious. Now some of you who have read my other posts might know I have struggled in the past with completely opening myself up and not hiding behind a facade for fear of being judged for being weak or a downer. But I am working on breaking down my mask/facade and every day I am a little closer but I think I will always have my down days at times and I think it’s normal and human and people need to accept that and stop judging people for it. But one of the things that I kept up as a facade was generally going along with everything someone else would say. For example, if my friend likes a certain movie and I didn’t I would sometimes pretend I did because I wanted to fit in I didn’t want to have a disagreement or even disagree with her because she might like me a little less for it or maybe judge me for it. So many little things like that added up to make the facade and mask I, kind of, live with now. I always agreed with everyone and never voiced my own opinion even if it differed. I was the girl who could fit in and blend anywhere but not because of who I am but because of who I became. The anxiety of being judged or deserted for being different consumed it and made me a different person to the point where I almost didn’t recognise me. I know it may seem a bit melodramatic to you but it’s the truth and reality for me. I hid my feelings and emotions and opinions just everything really.
And I knew I was living with a mask. I knew subconsciously that this wasn’t me but I guess I didn’t want to admit it because once I do I will have to change. And I don’t know how I didn’t realise this earlier but only a few days ago I realised I didn’t even have a voice, an opinion of my own, not really anyway. The way I realised it was that in my friendship situation which you might know f you read a group but not really, one of my older posts, has caused me to feel quite left out and lonely. Basically to summarise the situation: I am in a trio of friends and it kinda went all great until a few months ago when suddenly the two other friends in my trio started to hang out a lot more and without me. I am not just saying outside of school but even in school. Like even if we had to work as partners we would convince the teachers to let us work as a three. And previously we would save seats for each other in class and talk about everything. But now the other two always work in a pair and not save seats for each other but not me and I kind of feel excluded and the thing is I didn’t do anything to upset them because when I ask them about this they claim nothing has changed and we are all just as close and at first I believed it because we that’s what I always did right agree with others. But then it started to grow and I felt more and more alone and left out so I knew that it wasn’t just me being paranoid of losing a friendship so valuable to me I knew that even if they weren’t doing it on purpose it was definitely there. And this feeling just grew and grew and I kind of snapped out of it in a way a few days ago when it just became so much for me and I admitted to myself that, you know what, despite what they say it’s there and what I am feeling is not just my imagination. I have been caused to feel it even if they disagree with it. Because I do have a voice after all. I feel differently and you know what? It’s okay. I don’t have to agree with everything they say because otherwise I am not myself and they aren’t friends with the real me. They like the mask I put on. I don’t mean just the two others in my trio because I have opened up to them about how I wear a mask figuratively and they know the real me or so I think but my others friends might be friends with the masked girl, not the real me. So I decided that I had to change. I had to own and respect my own voice. If I have a different opinion to someone else then so what? Was this change going to be scary? Heck YES. Even today I started my other friends were saying how they don’t like a certain subject and previously I had always been silent and had no opinion sometimes even agreed with them but this time I stood up for myself because if I don’t look out for myself who will? I disagreed with them and they were shocked. They looked perplexed that I dare have a different opinion. Haha. I just explained that the same way they had their opinion I do too and if mine was different so what? We should all be allowed to have our own view on things and it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends it just means that we disagree on one tiny thing out of many many other things we agree on. It may seem insignificant to you guys but for me it was a huge step towards finding my own voice again and being confident. A step towards breaking down my mask and showing the world the real me. Yeah, it was scary but hey I think it will be worth it! So I have decided to not be silent anymore. I will stand by my voice and won’t let anyone take it away from me ever again. It’s the essence of my personality. It’s my voice and I want it back!
So I get that this is a dark and controversial issue but this is my take on it. I won’t listen to the little devil on my shoulder telling me to compromise and fit in. I will listen to the angel telling me to not hide but voice my opinions. What about you guys? What do you think of this? Love you all and hope you guys had a good start to the week!