Things, I can’t live without

Heya everyone,

I hope you are having a great start to the week and that you had a good weekend! I saw this on F&P’s blog and I decided to give it a try so here are a few things I can’t live without.

  1. My family¬†ūüĎ®‚ÄćūüĎ©‚ÄćūüĎß‚Äćūü϶

I know this is cliche. But I really care about my family not just because well they are my family but also because often when my friends fail to be there for me or when they betrayed me because then my mum often acted like one of my best friends and not just advised me but also let me talk about it. She has often helped me through many things and I will forever be grateful for both my parents doing everything in their power to make me happy and to help me achieve my dreams.

2. My phone¬†ūüďĪ

Okay so I really love and need my phone because on my camera roll I have so many memories and they are all really important to me. It’s also a great way to stay in contact with relatives who live in another country or further away. I also love music and it’s a great way for me to relax and tune out. I love analysing the lyrics of a song and learning about what a singer wants to convey.

3. Netflix¬†ūüďļ¬†ūüíĽ

I love watching movies and tv shows and there is such a great variety of movies and tv shows on Netflix so I can try a bit of all type of genre so found my favourite. It also has all seasons of Friends on it which is my favourite tv shows because no matter how many times I watch it, it always makes me laugh and my brother and I didn’t have many common interests but one we always shared was watching Friends at the end of the day so the tv show is really important and symbolic to me.

4. My e-book or other books¬†ūüďē¬†ūüďö

Now I know you guys might not agree with me when I say that I don’t mind whether I read proper books or an e-book because for me they have¬†the same effect. I know it’s controversial but in my opinion, it’s nearly the same of course I prefer proper real books but I also have a kindle I use a lot especially during travel. Books help me escape into a world where I and my problems don’t exist. I love reading¬†what other people think of the world and whether they think heaven exists or angels exist so I guess I am really into the supernatural¬†genre.

5. My favourite¬†jumper¬†ūüĎö

There’s this jumper that used to belong to my mum and it’s my favourite because it’s not only really soft and comfortable but it also reminds me of my mum so whenever I go on travel I take it with me especially if I am going alone without my parents. It’s quite oversized and I have had it for like 5 years now so back then it was like a dress on me but yeah.

So that’s a bit about me. If you guys want to feel free to try this as well. I want to remind you guys that this wasn’t my idea and I don’t want to take credit for it. It was fairylightsandpolaroids’ idea.

Anyway, love you guys!! ‚̧¬†ūüß°

Love,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

 

 

Likes & Dislikes

Hey fellas,

This is actually inspired by another blogger’s post called Love/Hate by fairylights or as I like to call her F&P. So firstly thanks for letting me use this idea I just it’s a nice and random way for you guys to get to know me and my likes/dislikes better. Haha. Even though I consider myself an open-minded person, despite the claims of some people (ahem mum)¬†Image result for emoji laughing, that doesn’t mean I don’t have things I prefer over others like say sweets over spinach. Sorry spinach lovers it’s just not my cup of tea. Oh talking of which, I love tea!!¬†Image result for tea emoji apple¬†Instead, all it means is that I am open to trying new things including new food and who knows it might become my favourite? But I still have my current favourites and my well dislikes. So let’s get into it, here’s my top 5.

Likes:

  1. Food and drinks especially tea!!!
  2. My phone/laptop/any electronic really
  3. Horses and horse riding
  4. Acting
  5. Singing/Dancing/any performing arts really

 

Dislikes:

  1. Spinach
  2. Certain types of fish, although I love salmon and fish fingers
  3. Clowns (I used to love them as a kid but then people started dressing up as them in the UK and started harassing and even killing people which put me off them Image result for sad emoji)
  4. Snakes
  5. Spiders

Now these are more like the superficial things because I obviously love my parents and hate bullying for example but I felt like I wanted to keep this post light-hearted for a change. Hope you don’t mind ūüėČ

For this I actually didn’t struggle with the negatives or dislikes but more with the likes because there is so many and I didn’t know which ones made the cut. If you couldn’t tell already they aren’t in order because well frankly some are the same degree if you know what I mean. So I didn’t know how to put them down in order. Haha.

What do you think? Do you have your list of likes/dislikes.¬†Tell me in the comments. Better even why don’t we start like a thread or what’s it called? So you guys all do a post on your top 5 likes/dislikes. How cool would that be? I think we can make it happen! Love you all!!

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

P.S. Sorry I didn’t post yesterday I actually wrote this yesterday but just forgot to hit the Publish button. I know I know how stupid am I? Haha anyway sorry!!

Finding a lost voice

Heya guys,

Before you start reading the post I just wanted to explain why I didn’t post on Friday. Firstly I will probably only be posting once a week and that will probably¬†be Friday or Monday but since I had already posted that week I didn’t post on Friday. Hope you don’t mind. Now this topic is kinda dark I guess but we need to embrace the light and the dark because are in us whether we admit it or not. It’s like those little cartoons where the person would have an angel on one shoulder telling it to do good and then the devil on the other shoulder telling us that we can be naughty and bad. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I am tempted or convinced by my own demon or devil I guess and I believe the lies he feeds me through my ear but then later I regret it or feel even more horrible. So this is kinda one of these things I guess.


Image result for finding my own voiceBelieve it or not, I am an extremely loud, extroverted person on the outside but inside I am an insecure mess at times and maybe even a bit anxious around people. Oh and let’s not forget totally self-conscious. Now some of you who have read my other posts might know I have struggled in the past with completely opening myself up and not hiding behind a facade for fear of being judged for being weak or a downer. But I am working on breaking down my mask/facade and every day I am a little closer but I think I will always have my down days at times and I think it’s normal and human and people need to accept that and stop judging people for it. But one of the things that I kept up as a facade was generally going along with everything someone else would say. For example, if my friend likes a certain movie and I didn’t I would sometimes pretend I did because I wanted to fit in I didn’t want to have a disagreement or even disagree with her because she¬†might like me a little less for it or maybe judge me for it. So many little things like that added up to make the facade and mask I, kind of,¬†live with now. I always agreed with everyone and never voiced my own opinion even if it differed. I was the girl who could fit in and blend anywhere but not because of who I am but because of who I became. The anxiety of being judged or deserted for being different consumed it and made me a different person to the point where I almost didn’t recognise me. I know it may seem a bit melodramatic to you but it’s the truth and reality for me. I hid my feelings and emotions and opinions just everything really.

And I knew I was living with a mask. I knew subconsciously that this wasn’t me but I guess I didn’t want to admit it because once I do I will have to change.¬†And I don’t know how I didn’t realise this earlier but only a few days ago I realised I didn’t even have a voice, an opinion of my own, not really anyway. The way I realised it was that in my friendship situation which you might know f you read a group but not really, one of my older posts, has caused me to feel quite left out and lonely. Basically to summarise the situation: I am in a trio of friends and it kinda went all great until a few months ago when suddenly the two other friends in my trio started to hang out a lot more and without me. I am not just saying outside of school but even in school. Like even if we had to work as partners we would convince the teachers to let us work as a three. And previously we would save seats for each other in class and talk about everything. But now the other two always work in a pair and not save seats for each other but not me and I kind of feel excluded and the thing is I didn’t do anything to upset them because when I ask them about this they claim nothing has changed and we are all just as close and at first I believed it because we that’s what I always did right agree with others. But then it started to grow and I felt more and more alone and left out so I knew that it wasn’t just me being paranoid of losing a friendship so valuable to me I knew that even if they weren’t doing it on purpose it was definitely there. And this feeling just grew and grew and I kind of snapped out of it in a way a few days ago when it just became so much for me and I admitted to myself that, you know what, despite what they say it’s there and what I am feeling is not just my¬†imagination. I have been caused to feel it even if they disagree with it. Because I do have a voice after all. I feel differently and you know what? It’s okay. I don’t have to agree with everything they say because otherwise I am not myself and they aren’t friends with the real me. They like the mask I put on. I don’t mean just the two others in my trio because I have opened up to them about how I wear a mask figuratively and they know the real me or so I think but my others friends might be friends with the masked girl, not the real me. So I decided that I had to change. I had to own and respect my own voice. If I have a different opinion to someone else then so what? Was this change going to be scary? Heck YES. Even today I started my other friends were saying how they don’t like a certain subject and previously I had always been silent and had no opinion sometimes even agreed with them but this time I stood up for myself because if I don’t look out for myself who will? I disagreed with them and they were shocked. They looked perplexed that I dare have a different opinion. Haha. I just explained that the same way they had their opinion I do too and if mine was different so what? We should all be allowed to have our own view on things and it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends it just means that we disagree on one tiny thing out of many many other things we agree on. It may seem insignificant to you guys but for me it was a huge step towards finding my own voice again and being confident. A step towards breaking down my mask and showing the world the real me. Yeah, it was scary but hey I think it will be worth it! So I have decided to not be silent anymore. I will stand by my voice and won’t let anyone take it away from me ever again. It’s the essence of my personality. It’s my voice and I want it back!


So I get that this is a dark and controversial issue but this is my take on it. I won’t listen to the little devil on my shoulder telling me to compromise and fit in. I will listen to the angel telling me to not hide but voice my opinions. What about you guys? What do you think of this? Love you all and hope you guys had a good start to the week!

 

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

A single snowflake

A single snowflake floating from the sky

Trying to find its way to earth

Guided by the breath of night

To safety or so it seemed

 

Happiness, Hope, Passion filled it

As it awaited its descent

Nearing the lights of the city

Twinkling like itself

 

Up above it all

A picture perfect shot

Seemingly insignificant it looked

But to itself, it was a path it had longed for to lead it to the world of dreams

 

Deceived by the fog of the sky

The breeze builds and builds. A whirlwind of passion

Overcomes it as it desperately grasps for something

But the air inundates it. Trapped the snowflake surrenders.

 

Hurt, hoaxed and hopeless

The world of its dreams crushed

Like a slave to its master it was

Forced to submit on a journey to the unknown

In solitude.


Heya guys,

So I know I have been telling some of you guys I had something unusual and exciting planned so *drum roll please* this is it. Hope you aren’t disappointed ūüėČ

I have told some of you guys I was thinking about maybe doing a poetry section on my blog although I had never written a poem and still you guys were so supportive and encouraging that now that I have written one I decided to share it with you guys. Sorry to disappoint some of you but I don’t think I will be doing this reguarly simply because I still find it hard to write them but maybe I will share one rarely when they come to mind.

So sharing this with you guys was a really big step for me scratch that it was a huge leap for me and here’s the reason(s)

Firstly I am super shy about sharing any of my work whether that be an essay or a piece of creative writing because I am always scared I will be judged for it or it won’t be good enough or something. But I decided if I don’t share it with you guys, my supportive¬†little internet family, then with who, right? Also, I mean I stand for being proud of what you have produced or who you are. I stand for being confident and I created this space so we could all be ourselves and connect over things in life so I would be going against my own motto by not sharing¬†it. I can’t expect you guys and shouldn’t promote you guys to be so confident and shameless if I can’t do that to show and empower you as well. If that makes sense? Also despite me being already in the later years of my secondary school education aka I am going to finish school in a couple years, I have never written a poem before!! WHAT? I know how crazy is that!! This is my first poem EVER! But here’s the thing I just couldn’t write poems before. I don’t know what changed but before I just thought poems were stories but broken¬†up into lines that aren’t sentences and then on a larger scale broken up into stanzas that just took up more space. I still don’t know what makes them different from broken up¬†sentences of a story but I think I have finally established¬†that there definitely is a difference. Poems … I don’t know but they make me feel more emotions and more deeply …. in a weird kind of way. I can’t put it into words nor can I give you a definition of a poem because honestly I think the whole beauty of them expressing emotions and little things we take for granted is that we are left speechless and there’s no word to describe what we feel,¬†really, and there’s no word to describe how a poem does that so yeah. I know some of you guys might disagree but hey that just makes sense in my confused brain ūüôā¬† This poem is also very personal to me because it’s about how I was going through and I am still going through a tough phase with some of my friends and I feel so alone sometimes like a single snowflake falling from the sky trying to find its footing before it melts. If you are new and don’t know what I am talking about I explain it all in one of my other posts: A group but not really(a personal story). I just feel like my life is a bit of a mess and I am a bit of a mess right now but I know I will work it out eventually and then when I heard there might be snow in the next couple of days and there already was today in some regions in the UK the picture of a single snowflake came to my mind and words just kind of assembled themselves in my brain and urged me to write them down and before I even realised what I had done, I had written a poem. My first ever poem and it’s about my feelings and emotions and everything I always wanted it to be. So I am so so happy about it. It’s not perfect and I realise that but hey, it’s my first one.

Do feel free to give me some advice and feedback in the comments. Love you all and thanks for staying so patient with me while I sort through some things. I always find it useful and almost therapeutic to write it all down on my blog and then I find some people relate and it just makes the world seem a little more friendly and a little less lonely and assures me that you don’t have to be perfect because, in reality, no one is ūüôā

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

Safety net

I think almost everyone has one it’s all nice and rosy in life because you have like a back-up UNTIL you become one. That’s when I realised that everyone has one, heck even I probably¬†had one, even though I am ashamed to admit it now, but it got me thinking is it really fair to the person who is your safety net?

 

Image result for being someone's safety net

Okay so maybe I should back up a bit. For a while now I realised that I don’t really have a best friend like most people do instead I have many close friends who occasionally hang out with me. I always felt I was missing out on something and I just didn’t know why. I still don’t¬†know why and I am still confused¬†as to why this is happening to me. What did I ever do to deserve this? I explained this all in one of my¬†recent posts: Not good enough am I? But it never occurred to me why some people were friends with me or why some would only really talk to me on certain days. But then a few days ago, like a said previously I am in a trio of friends and the other two seem to be a bit closer, one of them literally didn’t talk to me the whole day until the second friend in the trio left so there was only me and her and only then did she start talking to me properly and we had a laugh and it was all fun and games. But at home, it dawned on me that I was her second choice and the only reason she talked to me was because the other friend had already left. I wouldn’t say¬†I was her safety net because sometimes we talk even though the other friend is there but it almost seemed like it. But then I started noticing it with others who I am close with but maybe not as close as the two in my trio and I noticed how I was their safety net for sure and they didn’t even try to conceal it or hide it. It was so obvious and I wondered why I had never noticed it before. I guess I knew somewhere but never admitted it for fear of it being true so just lived a lie. It’s one of these things that once you see them you can’t unsee them and you start seeing them everywhere or in my case with almost everyone. It’s also one of the ways I found out who my true friends are and who really wanted to be friends with not just as their Plan B or a back-up but truly valued my friendship.

Now yes I admit even I probably had one without noticing that one friend that I would talk to thinking I just barely “see” her but really I only “saw” her when I didn’t see my immediate close friends. And to a degree, I think everyone had one or two of those kinds of friends and I think it’s become normal¬†because we are so used to it by now. It’s become a habit for everyone to have a safety net. It’s a way of survival amongst society because you don’t want to be seen as friendless or a “loner” but I also think just because we are used to it doesn’t mean it’s right especially when the person who is your safety thinks you guys are more than that, like proper friends, not just a second option. You can’t lead someone on like that and hurt their feelings. We need to be less selfish and look around and see and acknowledge those people and let them go. Let them have their own lives and friends which they deserve. We need to put our feelings aside for once and understand theirs and put ourselves in that position. I know it’s a lot to ask because frankly, I didn’t even know I had a safety net. I didn’t even understand the concept until I became one. It’s hard for anyone to understand who hasn’t been in that situation. I am going to try to change and I know it’s going to be hard but I hope you guys will too. Firstly I think I will do what I should have done long ago. This is for all my past safety net friends:¬†

I am so so sorry that I lead you on and that I let you have hope in me. I am sorry that I seem to have used you and only talked to you when I didn’t have immediate friends nearby. I am sorry that I never acknowledged your feelings and only blindly cared about mine. I am sorry¬†that I was so selfish and lastly I am sorry for not understanding you or realising what I put you through. I can‚Äôt change the past only learn from it but I can change the future and I give you my word that I will no longer be like this. I will no longer be blind and ignorant. I will change.

Sorry, it was a long post but I just had to let it all out. What do you guys think of this? Have you ever been a safety net friend or do you have one without realising? Love you all!

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

 

Double faced

Okay so this is one of the things I hate most: when people I trusted with secrets or even my feelings turn out to be two-faced. I mean when you get to know someone and start growing close to them over the years, there’s this unspoken bond of trust and reliability¬†linking the two people so you start sharing some things because there are no signs that people may have ill intentions. There’s no neon sign hanging over their head reading “Backstabber” so you just have to go with your gut feeling and after years if getting to know each other you would think that you know them pretty well. You would think “I can trust them! They won’t be like the others, they’ll be loyal.” But then a bomb goes up in our life when you find out that all this time they have been backstabbing you by spilling your secrets, confessing your feelings or even talking badly behind your back. To your face, they will be all innocent, kind and bubbly but then behind your back when they think you are out of ear-shot the truth comes out. And it just hurts you that years of friendship¬†go down the drain. But one thing I would look out for is the way they talk about others to you because you never know if they talk the same way about you. I found that the people that talked badly about others to me and made me feel awkward when put in that situation are those who also talked badly about me behind¬†my¬†back.

I used to blame myself for not seeing it before or that maybe I did something to make them behave like this. That maybe I am just not good enough. But then I realised after years of blaming myself for every single double-faced person I had met, and believe it, it’s a lot, that it’s not my fault. I couldn’t blame myself for everything that they were or had become. They chose to be like this whether it was me affected or someone else it was still the same. I think it stems from their own insecurities. Because they don’t want to be picked on or be the victim they victimize others but in such a way that it hurts even more and I think they might feel a bit of remorse so they continue to hang out with you but really it’s just to squeeze more information out of you which they can use against you later. And afterwards when you find¬†out you feel betrayed, open and vulnerable.

I found that the best way to deal with such people if to just confront them, don’t care if it will make them awkward but they are dishonest and false and just a liar and the least you deserve is an explanation. Still remember not just to do the same about them no matter how tempting it may feel, don’t stoop to their level, be civil and just talk to them about it. And if you aren’t the person being victimized but the recipient then just stand up to them saying this is wrong and this isn’t how a friend should behave. Stop the chain reaction. Do something about it, don’t¬†just let the bullying go on and worst of all don’t be a part of it.

At times like these, it’s the perfect opportunity to reconsider which people you really want in your life, because it definitely isn’t double-faced ones. During occasions¬†such as these, you find out who your true friends are because they will stop the chain and talk to it about it and make sure you are okay. They will stick by you and be supportive whilst everyone is gossiping.

But most important remember not to play their game out of revenge or anger because that will get you nowhere and you will hate yourself or it later and regret it. You don’t want to stoop to their level. What are your guy’s views on this? Have you ever met a double-faced person? How did you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below.

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

Sunrise/Sunset

Image result for sunsets and sunrises

Hey guys,

When I was on holidays over winter break with my family, we often stay up really late in the night sometimes even through the night. Why? Well the place we go to has beautiful sunsets and sunrises. That got me thinking, why don’t I dedicate a post to it?

So I am quite an analytical person by nature I think. Don’t confuse it with school, I am horrible at analysing poems and pieces of writing but in every-day life, I think almost everything is symbolic of something or has a hidden deeper, meaning and our descriptions of those things only just scratch the surface. Yeah, you guessed it two examples of that are sunrises and sunsets.

So let’s start with the things that actually starts the day, as well as coffee of course, that’s also sunrises. I think that symbolically speaking sunrises indicate not just the start of a new day but also another chance¬†to make things right if you had a fight with someone. It’s like a fresh start, a clean slate. If you had a bad day yesterday, it’s like reassurance that the bad things are left behind and today can be a better day. It’s the opportunity learn from your previous¬†mistakes and to not do them again. In one word it’s hope!

And now let’s skip the rest of the day to the sunset. I think that sunsets are incredibly beautiful. The streaks of colours blend together and slice them sky painting a breath-taking portrait. And it’s also super romantic because movies and tv shows often show couples doing walking around during twilight or the sunsets. Sunsets can also symbolise that if you had a bad day no matter how long it may seem it will end and you will eventually¬†have your peace. It symbolises the completion of a day whether that may be a good one or a bad it will end nonetheless.

So those are my interpretations and thoughts. I find them both equally lovely for different reasons so I would find it hard to choose which is my favourite. One works better for some situations and moods than the other one. But I am going to ask you anyway, which one do you guys like most?

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

 

Letting go of people

Heya readers,

I am sorry I haven’t been able to post more regularly but to my defence if you read my last post you can probably¬†guess why. Firstly I have had more and more people join this community or little group of ours, especially this week. So welcome to everyone who’s new and welcome back to anyone who has already been with me. I hope you guys had a great week whether that be at school or at work. But I still go to school so well it hasn’t been that great because I have heaps of homework but what to do right? Haha. So it got me thinking with school, comes friends and sometimes fights. Friends come and go but some you have to let go. And this was the case this week.

To give you a brief rundown, one of my closest friends yet and me had a bit of a tangle. And if you know me I am usually¬†the type of friend that will apologize¬†even when it’s clearly not my fault. I will talk myself into thinking it was all my fault. But this time I thought she was just looking for a fight and totally over-reacting about the issue. So for once I stood up for myself and told her so. In other situations, I would apologise¬†the next day but this time I didn’t apologise and I told myself not to. It was obviously not my fault and I was sick of being pushed around and taking responsibility or everything. In addition, I had a feeling that my friend and I had been growing apart for quite some time. I mean I would text her and I could see she had seen it but she wouldn’t reply and we didn’t meet as much, etc. I just felt this gap growing between us. We were becoming distant and had less in common because she had changed so much in the time I knew her. That’s when I realised she wasn’t the same person anymore, she wasn’t the person I befriended and it’s not her fault or mine or anyone’s. People change it’s natural but I hadn’t changed¬†I was still the same so that’s why we talked less and had less common and grew apart. That made me decide¬†that although it was hard I had to let her go. I had known her for so long and confided in her and everything and in the past we had made great memories¬†but it just wasn’t the same.¬† I, We couldn’t pretend it was and blindly cling onto it. So although ti was hard, painful and emotional I told her that we had both changed and we would remain friends but we can’t force it to be best friends or close friends the way we used to be. She accepted it and we kinda went out separate¬†ways. we still say hi and have the occasional small talk but we don’t hang out nearly as much. And honestly, it feels better. I know it sounds strange but I am glad we got that out of the way and faced the awkwardness before it got even more awkward. I feel like I don’t have to pretend to like all the things she does or pretend to understand the things she talks about or go looking for her in order to spend time with her. I feel more confident and independent and free like I don’t have to pretend to be someone in order to hang out with her and her new friends. So yeah guys that’s it.

Bildergebnis f√ľr letting go of friends

Have you ever had to let go of friends maybe even a partner?

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

Melancholy moments…

Image result for things related to losing someone to death

So everyone probably¬†figured out by now I try to be positive as much as I can. I mean I am a positive person really. But so far 2018 hasn’t turned out to be the best year for me or my family. I thought it would be a fresh start and I would kick it off with a positive chirpy attitude. But then guess what?

Somone dies in my family. So I was slapped in the face with grief from a death of a family member just 1 day into the new year. Now it’s been 16 days, a little over 2 weeks, and we had to let go another 3 people. I mean seriously not the best year, right? That’s not the way I wanted to start it anyway. I have lost so many¬†people close to me in a span of 2 weeks. I don’t think anyone should go through that. I also wasn’t able to post for a bit and I do apologise but I was dealing with my emotions and just supporting my family¬†as much as I could at this time.

When the news of the first death reached me it knocked me off balanced. I was so sad all the time, I didn’t smile and was constantly deep in thought. I recounted all my memories with the person and how much I would miss them. I would burst into tears in the middle of school all of a sudden and not even realise. Other times I would not socialize with my friends but just sit and think and listen. I thought about how lucky the people around me were not to have to go through this. It’s hard losing someone especially if they were close to you and you almost feel guilty if you laugh or have fun with friends because you’ll be thinking about how you laughed with them, all the good memories with that person and how they will never laugh again because they’re gone. I know it sounds cliche but it was literally part of me died with them.

I was gloomy the whole day, every day and when my friends tried to cheer me up I just ignored them and pushed them away, wanting to be alone. But then the news of the passing of other family members started pouring in like a waterfall just one after the other and it just wouldn’t stop. I didn’t even have time to mourn the last one before I heard that another one passed. I didn’t have time to process it and it was so exhausting and sorrowful. And when I heard about the last one just a few days ago I didn’t even cry, I couldn’t cry. It was like I was dry and had run out of tears. My face was sunken and when I looked properly in the mirror today, I was shocked. I wasn’t crying anymore but I wasn’t happy either. I was numb, numb with pain and fear for who would be next. I felt empty when I thought about how I would never see those people again. That I had lost them forever. Just numb. I went through the days like a robot seeming like I was emotionless but I wasn’t I was hurting but I was almost like I was ready for another one because I just couldn’t think clearly about it anymore. At this point, it’s just like “whatever life is going to throw at me next I will be ready. bring it” I just didn’t really feel anymore. It’s starting to wear off but I don’t think I can really have fun for a while at least but I know they would want me to move on and not mourn or be depressed. They would want me to remember them but also get on with life and live it while I still have the chance to. Appreciate what I still got.

Have you ever had to deal with the passing of someone close? How did you handle it?

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com

Self-conscious, me? Whaaat….. never

Hey guys,

Hope you guys had a great week. I am so exhausted and can’t wait for this week to be over because school’s just started and I am already a zombie with a load of homework. I am so so sorry I wasn’t able to post as regularly but I will work on it it’s just the stress of getting back into the school routine.

The subject of school got me thinking about many things but mostly of how my anxieties stemmed from school and its environment how I always feel self-conscious around people but most when I am around people in school. Why you ask? Well simple because strangers you pass in the street you will probably never see again. So I don’t really care what they think of me or if I am being my crazy self and they might judge me for it. But in school that’s a completely¬†different story. These people I have to see for pretty much every day except during holidays. These are people I pass in the hallway and say hi to. People I might have to work on a school project with. People who I don’t want to judge me. But in order for them not to do so, I can’t give them a reason to. So my anxieties starting building up slowly and over the years from being a wild careless kid in primary school I have become an extremely self-conscious teenager around people in school. Yes, even my friends because I know they won’t judge me or if they do they won’t openly do so and never do it on purpose. They want me to be happy but I just can’t help it anymore. It’s the most little things like: Is my hair frizzy after sport? or Is my skirt too short? or even Is my back too arched when I am bending over my book to do my work? Yes, I know they sound ridiculous but I got tensed when people watch me and I feel like they always do even though I never see anyone do it I just always sense and the feeling won’t go away unless I am completely alone. I will always be fixing my hair and playing with it because I don’t want to be¬†talked about. I also feel really self-conscious about my body. I am average not too thin or anything. And my friends in the changing rooms always say, God, I wish I had a body like yours even the thinner friends of mine but I just hate the thought of someone looking at me. I feel pressured and small. When they talk about their bodies and what they don’t like about it it’s a joke to them or a passing comment most forget later but I feel so uncomfortable when they talk about things like that. Like I just want to change¬†the subject or get out of the situation as fast as possible.

I am also constantly worried about what people I know think of me. Like is my laugh too weird? or Am I a bad person to have a conversation with? These anxieties just build up and sometimes I think that no one likes me or wants to hang out with me but I am so sure that’s just because of my insecurities. I don’t tell many of my friends because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable by restricting them from talking about things that make me uncomfortable¬†also I think that if I tell them they will always act as if I was brittle or fragile or explosive and I don’t want them to act that way around me by being scared of me being offended. Like they have to walk on eggshells.

Are you guys self-conscious? If so in what way? How do you overcome it? I am trying to not be so insecure but I don’t know how to really stop it. I pretend not to care about what they think of me but I still do. Tell me what you think in the comments below?

Going offline,

Girlalert xxx

girlalert.here@yahoo.com